Jesus min, that's awful MBT.
It's going to be easy for me or most of us on here to say this mate, but no matter how low you feel and I'm sure it's rock bottom, let me assure you the answer doesn't lie in bottom of a bottle. Whilst it may well grant you a temporary respite from things, it won't change what has happened and any feeling you take from it won't last beyond sobering up.
MBT, although we've never met, we've been around this board for a long long time and I genuinely feel as if I know you and certainly know that you've made huge strides into getting your life back on track. Please don't ruin all your hard work no matter how great the temptation mate.
Is there someone at work, you're really close to that you can talk to. Does your work have a counseling facility ?
Bottling your feelings/thoughts up is the worst thing you can do. The days of men not being able to show their feelings are long gone.
Stay strong mate, we're here for you.